Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Every Reason to Worship

Since going to Satyaloka in 1998,1999, and 2000 I would have what could be considered Oneness or enlightenment experiences off and on. Once I was a Walmart in and it is almost better to be a Walmart than to be a woman (hard to describe) and I saw the entire Universe in a French Fry in the Wendy's in Morgantown WV., tried to drive home, could find no separation between myself and the mountain and wrecked the truck.  It is not difficult to be one with the desert and see what was outside is now inside, eat or fly through a bird, experience the dog as an extension of the senses yet still there was suffering. It is just a way of shifting perception, getting the mind out of an evolving and building cycle that is easily duplicated.

I suspected at times much of it was thought or imagination and my best friend, Lisa, would call it "special effects" -yet in the experience there does not appear to be thought at all-just pure experience. The perception is you clearly are what you see. Actually it is generally some thought or idea that cuts the experience.   There would be some great shifts in consciousness and then some low points. Through it all, the antaryamin has manifested internally and externally. The Supreme Friend. Even when the dog even turns away or looks at me in disgust, the Antaryamin has been there- my hero, my champion, my knight in shining armor, my lover, loving me even as I could not love truly love either him or myself.

Now some might suppose that someone is in a higher state than another because this awakening of antrayamin-this moving from belief to discovery- has occurred. I know very well first hand it is not the case. It is not that I stepped up to the antaryamin. It is that the antaryamin stepped down for me. And over and over and over-this stepping down. Such experience happens because it is necessary not because someone does something to deserve it. It is grace. I cannot say that I know God. All I can really say is if there is such a power his will is very strange. It is very evident that the awakening of the antaryamin is not the annihilation of suffering yet it's a huge part of the process-a part that keeps you from going insane- from putting a tire full of kerosene around your neck, lighting a match, and running around in the back yard until its all over. If you are truly, and I do mean truly, not superficially, going to strive to realize your condition and confront your self you are going to need one hell of a friend. Seek this awakening. It is a very simple way of seeing and then asking.

Over the last  few  years during and since returning from the 21 day process at the Golden City in 2006, there were two big insights that really helped me.  One was that gratitude and suffering cannot coexist. I saw how little gratitude there is when there is suffering and in that seeing gratitude grew.

The most recent insight (before the mukti diksha) came about one night a year or so ago when I was weeping for a relative. I found out he was really suffering physically sometimes due to his situation and some not having enough to meet some physical needs. I was crying and crying and gasping to the point of almost vomiting. I had nothing material to give that would help long term and felt so helpless. I could have put a kitchen knife in my abdomen, and it would not have been as painful as this.

The suffering escalated even more and it was like there was a shift happening -a teetering -like when you are running a long time and are really hurting and ready to drop and every muscle is screaming and suddenly this shift comes and it's pleasure. I was right about there-crossed between thinking I would die from this agony and  actually starting to feel pleasure, when suddenly the thought came: "You would feel better if you got something to eat. There is some Indian food in the freezer."  Everything brightened for a minute. "Yes! I could eat and I will feel better!" and there was hope. I lost the experience.

Then the thought came, "Loser! You can't even suffer! "

I started to sob  because I felt so sorry for myself that I could not even suffer.  Then it was like a light went off - a crack like a gunshot.   "I am suffering because I cannot suffer."   The relief was unimaginable.  Light came. It was an amazing state and I looked for suffering in the way you fiddle with you finger when you have taken off  a ring that you had worn for many years. It just wasn't there. While the 20 deekshas I have received may have helped arrive at the insight it very much appeared it is insight and not deeksha that impacts the brain and burns out the circuits of suffering so to speak.

The state would come and go and it would sometimes take some time before the perception shifted. But it was like each suffering was a learning and the following state was better.

The first mukti deeksha webcast with Bhagavan on March 20th was staggering for some time.  It was like the mind was busy bothering someone else and the state was very good. Thoughts were not arising. To see everything was automatic was a great annihilator of guilt and negative judgement.  I could actually see this.    Who can help anything?  All was forgiven-even myself.

There was a feeling of expansion- like the eyes were somewhere the ears somewhere else it was like there was no relativity and a happiness about it.  There was still a kind of feeling like I had been worrying about something but could not remember what I had been worrying about.  It was like a bad dream was behind me and the past erased.  Yet I knew the dream was there. Lurking. It was difficult to drive home.

I was doing the dishes the next morning and a soap bubble arose and hovered for a long time before my eyes as if daring me to look. I saw that I was like a piece of a whole for a moment that was enveloped for some time by a membrane. Then the bubble popped and the space inside it became indistinguishable from the air.   Oneness.

All around me there were signs and glimpses of this.  There was a rabbit that had been run over on the road and I saw how the rabbit was like the bubble.  Is this life and death? Is it death to be the bubble or life to be the bubble? Both....

Would the rabbit find another form  to live in or would it merge with the One and become indistinguishable like a drop of milk going into the ocean. Maybe it was more like sea water going back into sea water.   If so, how could it possibly return as a rabbit or in some other form in its entirety?  For eternity these waters are returning to the sea and mixing about then leaving the sea. The sea is ever changing, Without the ever changing waters coming and going it does not exist at all. Yet it does exist.

On another level there was some uneasiness about the perception of and seeking oneness.   All these shamanic type experiences of oneness with the bird, the people the crowd the trees. Of what good is it?  It appears so one sided.

A verse  came to mind by a sage called Allama.

"With your alchemies,
you achieve metals
but no essence.

With your manifold yogas
you achieve
a body but no spirit.

With your speeches and arguments
you build a chain of words
but cannot define the spirit.

If you say
you and I are One
you were me
but I was not you."

It may be that there is an experience of flying through the bird with no sense of separate existence or tasting the food another is eating, or the  heart that has merged for some time with that of another, but of what use is it to the other?  Maybe  I was them but they clearly were not aware of me.   Did this oneness experience that I had with the other help them in any way. Something is was off.

I had listened to so many  chatter about oneness with each other "Lets-all-hold-hands-in-a circle-because-we-are-really-one-with -each-other-and-the-earth- and-pray-and-meditate- together" and on and on.  Yet do we want this really even any more than the chicken  wants to walk about joined at the wing with another. We have our own porches, 3000 square foot houses, and we buy hybrid cars so we can drive to work alone and feel better about conserving gas in spite of not wanting to  carpool with the neighbors.

Everyone appears to be saying they are striving for a oneness experience with mankind or nature. To become what they see with no sense of separate existence in the name of world peace and the planet Earth. 

It was not adding up. A key was missing somewhere.

Could it be that it is Oneness with God and not the material realm that man is truly seeking-this stuff that is already there-the contents of the bubble so to speak? Could it be that is what is truly possible?  Had I been barking up the wrong tree? Did I misinterpret the assignment?


At  the April 24th event there was a strangeness bordering on discomfort.  It was kind of an on edge feeling.

I started to get bored  during the chanting.  When I saw there was boredom there was shift  in the chest.  There was physical pain in the heart and I saw there was a plant there and it shot up destroying the heart and upper half of the body and flowered into an amaryllis. A red one.

"Is this the flowering of the heart?  This is kind of hokey." Was the thought.  It felt like the upper half of my body was gone and had expanded into the night. I could hear the chanting.

Then Bhagavan was standing physically in front of me looking into my eyes with concern, tapping me on the face and saying it was time to wake up. The red amaryllis was gone.  It was a waking dream.

I saw that in the thinking I was the body, mind and spirit-some eternal absolute unchanging soul that there was always going to be dreaming while awake just as there was dreaming while the body slept.  The nightmares and sweet dreams of physical sleeping and physical "waking." would always be there.  It was a chain of thought-a futile attempt to create some sense of relativity where there was none-creating untold misery-the taking something that was not there at all and building on it. The illusion of absolute truth.

I was overwhelmed with compassion as that is just how it is for mankind-this non stop dreaming with the eyes open and with the eyes closed.  No wonder we suffer so. We never wake up. No wonder the baby cries before he sleeps and cries when he awakens.

This thinking the of the body-the vehicle of the mind as myself-had made life-maybe many lifetimes almost totally irrelevant. It only dies. The relationships  will die with it as well. No wonder there is existential suffering-this loneliness and a sense of meaninglessness. How could it be otherwise in this dream state? Look at the effects of bodies trying to relate with bodies like so many living corpses.

I looked up and saw and heard these people chanting the same chant sitting in the same way all encapsulating God- this One-like soap bubbles.  All holding the essence of the Divine.  Love came. My Lord is right there in all of them. In all of me.

Could it be this Oneness with God this love of God-must come first before there is a love for or a oneness with mankind?  Otherwise its a one sided experience-a shaman's dream. A thousand locks blew open.

And the wonder of it. The relief. As soon as It is, It is no more. 

It was not like there are fireworks or anything remarkable since, outside of an acceptance of a life that is Divine. I get up in the morning just am. There is a wonder. The word is  fresh and  rich and full.  Such joy.

There is nothing left to worship and every reason to worship.


I saw in a vision a guru who declared himself to be God. One by one his students said,  "I am God,"   He wept with joy and  declared himself man.

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